Walking Depression.
Finally. A term to neatly sum up this rollercoaster ride called my life. This state of varying degrees of feelings; sometimes I feel everything all at once and it all slams into me, hitting me with the force of a thousand tsunamis, hitting me so hard I sometimes have to double over to maintain balance. Crushing sadness. Every song on my phone piercing into my soul like they all have my name on them. And sometimes I feel nothing. Zilch, zero, nada. Dead inside. Just numb. The same songs which will normally make me bawl on the opening notes sound like white noise. Sometimes still I'm in between and can strike a balance.
Strange thing is how much emotions can be crammed into one mind/heart/head, whatever or wherever feelings are stored. Just cram it all, stuff it and shut the damn door please. Thank you. The ability to still function, put on a front and pretend like everything's fine is the key to survival. Cos I can't have anyone figuring out what really goes on in that space up there. All the prying and questioning and pity and smothering is most assuredly not welcome. I'm fine on my own.
Yet I find myself yearning to find someone who cares enough to pay close enough attention, someone to see through my bullshit smiles and flippancy, someone who calls me up in the middle of the night when they know I'll surely be up just to ask if I'm okay. Someone to notice the thin veneer of sanity holding me together. Just someone to fucking open their eyes and see me, really see me. I don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm lying here trying to put a finger on my current state of mind. I think I'm in the I feel nothing zone right now. I desperately want to just cry, bleed from my eyes. I want to feel. But I feel nothing. I'm surrounding myself with music, my music; still doesn't help.
My life is not a total disaster. I know this. Many, many people have it worse. But I just can't be happy, let go and let God. Happiness is something I dread, I feel like I don't deserve it. I have grown accustomed to distrusting everything and any sort of happiness seems fleeting and I find myself crossing my fingers, waiting for it to all go kaboom.
I watch TV shows and desperately wish I could be absorbed into the show and be a part of something wonderful, anything to escape the realism of my life. I don't know if anyone truly loves me or cares if I'm here or not. I do not know how to put myself first, I always find someone or something to put ahead of me, I feel like I am only entitled to happiness after everyone else. I cannot truly relax or find fulfillment. I know I'm hurting those I love the most with this stoic silence.
Can one go through a complete lifetime like this?
So I just found this article online about walking depression. A lot of people are going through life just like this. Feeling so lonely in the middle of a crowded room. Crushing feelings of sadness, guilt, inadequacy, fear; crippling feelings of uncertainty, feeling so alone and unloved.
Its sad. Really sad.
